Something About Nicole

Thanks to Richard Metzger & DangerousMinds.net for the following...

http://www.prehensile.com/tales/zeldman/zeldman.htm

Tattle Tales are true tales of sex, madness, and the planet by guest writers. And this week's offering is a humdinger of a Tale. "Jeffrey Zeldman Presents" was one of the first sites I ever visited on the web. Years later, Jeffrey Zeldman contributes this week's Tale of the Week. I'm a happy, happy Halcyon. If you've never visited Zeldman.com, make it your first stop after you read this incredible tale. Or go now. We'll wait for you.

Something About Nicole
by Jeffrey Zeldman

Let's talk about sex.

And movie stars.

And Stanley (Spartacus, 2001, A Clockwork Orange, Lolita, Full Metal Jacket, The Shining) Kubrick, brilliant though reclusive filmmaker, who has spent the last five years making "Eyes Wide Shut," a movie starring Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, and costarring Harvey Keitel.

Make that formerly costarring Harvey Keitel.

Yes, there is dirt, and yes, I am here to share it with you.

You know, friends, in my role as the web's answer to Barbara Walters, I am frequently asked, "Could you move, please? I was sitting there."

But I am also frequently asked about those "insider gems" and "delightful tidbits" which only a "connected insider" such as myself could possess.

And this is one of those tidbits.

And I'm sharing it with you.

So here goes.

Most of Keitel's scenes have been shot, and the movie is close to good to go.

But there is a problem.

Keitel and Kidman just did a scene in which Keitel's character is supposed to stand behind Kidman's character and masturbate.

Keitel is not only a fine actor, he is a method actor.

You probably see what is coming – as it were.

Kidman didn't.

Keitel did not simulate masturbation, he engaged in it on the set.

Now, in the heat of action, many of us lose sight of our goals, and succumb to an overwhelming impulse. Keitel is, in that respect, no different from you or I, dear reader.

He ejaculated into Nicole Kidman's hair.

She walked quickly off the soundstage.

The next morning, Stanley Kubrick, one of the great living geniuses of cinema, was confronted by Mr. and Mrs. Tom Cruise.

The two told him simply, "Us or Keitel."

Kubrick reluctantly fired Mr. Keitel.

A replacement actor was hired (his name escapes me – it's not Wilfred Brimley, but it's also not an actor who is likely to duplicate Keitel's accident).

Good scenes which were shot and edited are now being redone at great expense because Keitel cannot appear in the picture.

Whether the film will be as good without Keitel, we will never know.

But now you, gentle readers, know the unpublishable truth. Verified by two sources at the company financing the film.

I can picture the conversation at Nobu:

SCORCESE: Harvey, Harvey, what's this about you and Kubrick? Robert, this tuna is great.

DENIRO: (nods)

KEITEL: (shrugs)

DENIRO: You know what I heard ...

SCORCESE: Pass the saki?

DENIRO: ... I heard this motherfucker got himself fired ...

KEITEL: Shut the fuck up.

DENIRO: ... 'cause he came in Nicole Kidman's hair!

(LAUGHTER.)

KEITEL: Shut the fuck up.

SCORCESE (OVER): Get the fuck out of here! Harvey?

KEITEL: Yeah. (SHRUG.) Came in 'er hair.

(LAUGHTER.)

DENIRO (OVER): Jesus, I can't breathe.

(LAUGHTER.)

(BEAT.)

SCORCESE: I'd a done that.

(LAUGHTER)

DENIRO: So, was it good?

(LAUGHTER. BEAT.)

KEITEL: It was pretty good.

(LAUGHTER)

KEITEL (faint smile): I'd do it again.

DENIRO: So the fuck would I.

SCORCESE: I would do that.

(LAUGHTER.)

(An elegant waitress presents the bill.)

DENIRO: (tearing up bill) On the house, Harve.

Events involving "Eyes Wide Shut" are based on anecdotes related to your humble web author by various Hollywood insiders who may never speak to us again. The scene at Nobu is entirely imaginary – as should be obvious. But nothing is ever obvious to lawyers, hence this disclaimer. We will deny it all, if pressed.

FeedBack: Eyes Wide Shut

Robalini's Note: It's odd that the two reviews of Eyes Wide Shut from The Konformist still (nine years after the film was released) get amazing amounts of comments and feedback. Here's yet another:

I saw the movie, Eyes Wide Shut, as a display of Tom Cruise as handler, and Nicole Kidman as his mind control subject. It seems to me that Cruise's motive in the making of this was driven by his own desire to break down his wife's inhibitions under the guise of their art. His goal in my opinion was to sexualize her on screen and thereby weaken the resistance within her inner self. The movie failed because he failed in his goal to manipulate her into letting go of her senuality on film for public display. Now after moving on, he has younger, more pliable material to work with.

FeedbBack: Eyes Wide Shut

FeedbBack: Eyes Wide Shut

For those unfamiliar with the subtle spectre of secret societies and their peculiar practices, there will be obvious confusion as to why Dr. Bill immediately becomes a marked man just because he happened upon some seemingly harmless kinky scene with a bunch of guys and gals wearing masks, chanting meaningless mumbo-jumbo and humping one another like a pack of dogs in heat; a provocative spectacle, indeed, but certainly not enough to mark a man for death, one would presume. Well, the deeper implication here is that Dr. Bill has become not only an unwitting witness to a sex orgy of Hell Fire Club-like proportions, but more importantly, a witness to Monarch sex programming, and ostensibly a potential threat to National Security if he were to reveal these dire, dreaded secrets, that even he himself doesn't quite know what to make of.

YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD! And young girls even are unwearily treating guys in this society with bitterness and misunderstood hatred because of things like this! I was a victim of a mind control cult to. Right on for seeing that movie what many readily do not or are ignorant to!