Sequel-Hungry Nation Demands Production

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/sequel_hungry_nation_demands

Sequel-Hungry Nation Demands Production of Click II
September 17, 2007 Issue 43•38

LOS ANGELES — As the summer movie season comes to an end, hundreds of thousands of deeply disappointed moviegoers converged on Los Angeles this weekend to demand that Hollywood finally honor their wish for a sequel to the Adam Sandler comedy Click.

"When I saw no Click II on my town's multiplex marquee this summer, I felt I had to speak out," said North Carolina resident Jim McNulty, who quit his job to travel to the nation's movie capital. "And I think I speak for virtually all Americans when I say we won't rest until we find out what happens next to nutty everyman Michael Newman and his family."

The group People for the Continuation of Filmic Storylines, the largest of the many organizations in the pro- sequel grassroots movement, has so far gathered 31 million signatures from citizens for a petition mandating that Columbia Pictures, makers of Click, commence work on its sequel.

"Columbia Pictures, hear the mandate of the people!" PCFS president Holly Sparks said in front of thousands of supporters gathered outside Hollywood's ArcLight Cinemas. "All those loose ends may have been tied up neatly by the end of the first Click film, but this country has been waiting far too long for those ends to loosen once again so that they can be retied in an equally humorous fashion."

The threat of no Click sequel brings out the masses.

"The people of this country want to know what kind of crazy cameo Rob Schneider is going to make, and they want to know now," Sparks added to deafening cheers.

According to Sparks, 2007 has been "egregiously lacking" in sequels, only providing movie-continuation fans with the films Spiderman 3, Shrek the Third, Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End, Live Free or Die Hard, Ocean's 13, The Bourne Ultimatum, Hostel: Part II, Evan Almighty, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Rush Hour 3, Resident Evil: Extinction, Mr. Bean's Holiday, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and the follow-up to 2003's Daddy Day Care, Daddy Day Camp.

"This summer was a tentative step in the right direction, but we have much, much further to go," Sparks said.

PCFS, which is credited with catalyzing the soon-to-be-released films John Rambo and National Treasure: Book of Secrets, submitted a 30-page document to Columbia executives stipulating that Click II be set in Hawaii, star Queen Latifah as an antagonist with a more powerful remote than Sandler's, and feature an ending that clearly hints at a third Click movie.

"At the very least, they must bring back that same hot jogger girl, but this time Sandler uses the remote's super-slow-motion button when she bends over," demonstrator Liz Ivory said. "That would be hilarious because everyone would recognize that as a similar joke from the first film. It's what America needs."

According to polls conducted at the nation's movie houses, an overwhelming majority also want to see "what's her face" return as Sandler's wife, and Christopher Walken reprise his role as Morty, saying his character had some "pretty funny" quirks and lines they would enjoy watching him perform again in the exact same way. More than half said the comedic scenario they would most like to see play out in a Click sequel would be Sandler's device gaining the ability to mute multiple things at the same time.

"In Click we found out what happens when you have a universal remote that controls the universe, but we have absolutely no idea what happens when that same universe has three to five additional characters, including a troublemaking young boy, and the protagonist gets a new job with new, more frustrating challenges," Kansas City, MO resident Kyle Ritenour said. "Also, America wants to know what the original Click would have been like with twice the budget and twice the CGI."

Filmgoers also say that Click II will be a welcome reprieve from such new releases as No Reservations and Superbad, which have forced audiences to become acquainted with totally new and unfamiliar characters.

"When I go to the movies, I just want to sit back and escape to a familiar world where everything makes sense and the only thing that changes is whether or not the lead actor decided to grow a beard for the second film," movie fan and frequent imdb.com commenter Steve Klein said. "Other than that, I don't care what happens."

"Why didn't they shoot the second movie while they were shooting the first?" Klein added. "It would have saved everyone a whole lot of trouble, and would have kept me satisfied until the release of Saw IV, Alien vs. Predator 2, and the sequel to Spider-Man 3."