Bill Hicks on Jay Leno

Robert Sterling

The latest drama around the Jay Leno flop has reminded me of this bit from Bill Hicks, found on his Rant in E Minor:

I'm kinda bummed because I'm missing my favorite cultural trainwreck, the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. I'm like a rubber-necker, man. Every night it's the crash of fucking metal when that show starts. Me and my friends have a little office pool, wondering exactly, which episode, which guest is going to be on when Jay finally puts a 9 millimeter in his mouth and blows his Doritos-shilling head off his fucking body. I think it's going to be Joey Lawrence, from the show Blossom. Other of my friends beg to differ and think Patrick Duffy a more likely culprit.

Leno voice: So, hi everyone, welcome to the show. Tonight we have Joey Lawrence. Hi Joey, how are ya'. It's good to see you again and boy it was always my comedic dream to be 44-years old and interviewing a little Tony Danza-wannabe every three months. Boy, I'm fulfilled as a human spiritually. So, so, anyway, Joey, you're 16 now, you're sixteen years old?

Joey voice: yeah

Leno voice: That's great. You're sixteen. Got a license, you driving, you driving?

Joey voice: yeah

Leno voice: That's great. You got a license, you driving, you got a car? You got a car?

Joey voice: yeah

Leno voice: You got a girlfriend, hmm? You dating somebody, anybody special?

Joey voice: yeah, no, well she thinks so, I don't. hee hee hee hee

Leno voice: Good God, what have I done with my life?

Boom! His brains splew out, forming an NBC peacock on the wall behind him. 'Cause he's a company man to the bitter fucking end.

To hear this audio:

http://soquoted.vox.com/library/audio/6a00cd9710dcc44cd500fad69c2aaf0005.html

Transcript courtesy of the So Quoted Blog:

http://soquoted.blogspot.com/2008/07/i-miss-bill-hicks.html