Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex

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Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex
February 19, 2010 | Issue 46•07 Onion Sports

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL — In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.

"Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me," Woods said. "I've missed it. I love fucking with all my heart."

Woods said that during his brief time away from sex, he couldn't stop thinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of sexual intercourse with random women who look vaguely like his wife, only skankier.

"When I am out there having sex, I am in complete control," said Woods, an acknowledged master of the long game who claims he is only truly at peace when he is between the legs of a woman. "It's just me and my thoughts. And a high-end escort. And the lounge dancer. And sometimes [caddie] Stevie. And probably some stewardess I just met."

"I'm so into it that I usually just block out all the cameras," Woods added.

Saying that fucking is his "calling and [his] one true passion," Woods spoke of how he has always adored the sight of a neatly trimmed mound, the smell of fresh stank early in the morning when the labia glisten with dewy juices, and the feel of a perfect impact with a woman's vagina.

"That sensation just flows right up the shaft, through my hands, and quavers up and down my spine," Woods said. "Ever since I was 16, I've loved that feeling. It's like new every time."

"To be honest, I'd do this for free," Woods added. "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."

During his announcement, Woods released an aggressive touring schedule that reaffirmed his commitment to sex. He is slated to take part in a three-day lovemaking session in March at the Clarion Hotel in Orlando, and confirmed that he would join a foursome at the Doral Resort and Spa in Miami as a tune-up for his first major fuckfest in Augusta, GA.

In addition, Woods said he will not renege on his annual stop in Dubai, and said he looked forward to boning a prostitute on the roof of this year's venue, the Burj Al Arab Hotel.

The 34-year-old sexual superstar said he is "far from satisfied" by his previous erotic achievements and that he expects to return to sex even stronger than before. However, Woods admitted he may not be in top form at first.

"I'll probably be a little rusty," Woods said. "But once I swing the old cock around a few times and get it in the first couple holes, I'm confident that I'll still be able to drive it as deep as I always have."

"There will be times when I get into some thick muff, and I'll have to set my jaw and hack my way through it," Woods continued. "Just keep my head down and hit that with all the force I can muster. I welcome the challenge."

Woods believes that his long game, which relies on innate strength and stamina, has probably suffered the least from his hiatus, but that his finesse, iron control, and deft touch around the hole are aspects of his game that may be slow to come back.

"I just have to take my time, visualize the line, and read the grain and the slope of the vulva correctly," Woods said. "It's really all mental at that point."

Reaction to Woods' announcement has been generally positive. Many of his closest friends, including Mark O'Mera, said that Woods' return would undoubtedly be great for sex, and that, selfishly, he loves to watch Woods out there doing his thing.

Woods' fans have also been supportive.

"I'm so glad Tiger is coming back," said 27-year-old Florida resident and cocktail waitress Brandi Hughes. "He's the best."

Woods concluded his press conference by saying that he is looking forward to chasing Jack Nicklaus' record of fucking 18 major babes at one time.