TSA Launches New PERV Program

http://spnheadlines.blogspot.com/2010/03/faa-tiger-will-work-airport-security_19.html

Tuesday, November 16, 2010
TSA Launches New PERV Program
Tiger Woods Will Conduct Strip Searches
Safety Inspection today at O'Hair
International Airport in Chicago

(Washington, D.C.) by Robert Feeley - The Obama administration today announced strict new regulations regarding passenger clothing and invasive body searches for passengers boarding commercial flights in the United States. The TSA calls it the Program to Examine Random Voyagers, or PERV.

The modus operandi of Christmas Day airplane bomber Abdul Whacko al Kaboom, explosives in his underpants, prompted Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano to order that all passengers must wear thong underwear and be subject to random panty inspections effective immediately.

"Please drop your pants, miss"

The announcement brought a flood of employment applications for the position of Special PERV Inspector. Disgraced golfer Tiger Woods was first in line among dozens of other horndogs this morning at TSA headquarters and was hired for duty at Orlando International Airport. Mr. Woods spoke with SPN and said, "I'm looking forward to this new challenge. They want the lines to move fast at the airport and nobody gets a skirt up or a pair of pants down faster than me!"

Several members of congress will be touring the nation's airports on taxpayer funded fact-finding vacations, and Senator Barney Frank (D-Ma.) said he will personally volunteer to be strip searched as often as possible.

Monday Movers: Lee Westwood Overtakes Tiger for World's No. 1

http://golf.fanhouse.com/2010/11/01/monday-movers-lee-westwood-overtakes-tiger-for-worlds-no-1

Monday Movers: Lee Westwood Overtakes Tiger for World's No. 1
11/01/2010
B.J. George

Lee Westwood -- For the first time in 281 weeks, someone other than Tiger Woods sits atop the world rankings. The Englishman becomes the first European to hold the No. 1 spot since Nick Faldo did so in 1994. What's most surprising about the accomplishment is that it comes despite Westwood only finishing one tournament since his runner-up finish at the British Open in July. German Martin Kaymer missed his opportunity to deny Westwood and claim that spot for himself after failing to finish in the top two at the Andalucia Valderrama Masters this weekend.

Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Oprah Top Forbes 2010 Celebrity Power List

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1642610/20100629/lady_gaga.jhtml

Jun 29 2010
Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Oprah Top Forbes 2010 Celebrity Power List
James Cameron, Sandra Bullock, Britney and Madonna also named most powerful celebs of 2010.
Gil Kaufman

Lady Gaga has won a lot of accolades during the past year and met some pretty impressive dignitaries, but crashing the Forbes magazine annual World's Most Powerful Celebrities list puts her in some truly rarified company.

The singer, who launched her latest iteration of her never-ending Monster Ball Tour in Montreal on Monday night, debuts on the list this year at #4. She landed there thanks to high marks for her Web visibility (#1 on the list) and a $62 million haul between June 2009 and June 2010, $31 million of which came from touring (after a gross of $95 million), with much of the rest courtesy of deals with Virgin Mobile, Polaroid, Monster Cable and MAC.

Gaga joins a top 10 that is dominated by women, including the once-again #1, Oprah Winfrey, who retook her top rank thanks to $315 million in earnings after ceding it last year to Angelina Jolie (now #18). The list ranks celebs based on earnings over the previous 12 months, as well as visibility in print, TV, radio, online and social media.

Beyoncé slipped up two spots to #2 this year, with $86 million in grosses thanks to a 93-date world tour, deals with Nintendo and L'Oreal and her House of Dereon fashion line. The still resurgent Britney Spears leaped from #13 to #6 this year, banking $64 million, most of it thanks to a world tour that grossed $130 million and deals with Elizabeth Arden and Candie's.

Madonna slipped seven spots down from last year's #3 ranking to #10, but at 52, she still had the fourth-highest-grossing tour of the year, which rolled up more than $138 million in gross receipts, as well as significant publishing royalties, including cash from an all-Madge episode of "Glee."

More than 30 years into their career, U2 went from zero to #7 on the list, mostly courtesy of a massive — currently mothballed — world tour that raked in more than $311 million in gross box office, as well as lucrative merchandise sales, copious radio play and a steady-selling back catalog that earned them more than $130 million.

With a $210 million payday from his #1 smash "Avatar," director James Cameron (#3) had a very good year, unlike disgraced golfer Tiger Woods, who hits #5 with $105 million in earnings amid high press rankings, mostly for his infidelity scandal. The top 10 is rounded out by Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock (#8, $56 million), who made headlines for having two hit movies, "The Proposal" and "The Blind Side," as well a divorce from ex-Jesse James. And at #9 is Johnny Depp, who banked $75 million, mostly due to his work in "Alice in Wonderland," which grossed $1 billion worldwide, making Depp the only actor to headline two billion-dollar films.

Taylor Swift made it onto the list for the first time, at #12, thanks to her status as the most-played artist on radio in 2009, multi-platinum album sales, and big endorsement deals with Sony and CoverGirl that netted her $45 million. She's just ahead of Miley Cyrus (#13), who took in a not-too-shabby $48 million. Beyoncé's other half, Jay-Z, also made a giant leap this year, jumping from #32 to #15 with a hit album, his investment in the 40/40 club chain and the Broadway show "Fela!," the New Jersey Nets, and the Blueprint 3 tour, which grossed more than $1 million per show.

Also new on the list this year are the Black Eyed Peas, who debuted at #16 thanks to a $48 million year pumped up by sponsorship deals with Target, Honda, Bacardi and Apple. Singer Pink crashed the party at #27 in her debut year, with $44 million, much of it courtesy of her smash international tour.

Other musicians on the list include: Bruce Springsteen (#17), Coldplay (#35), the Jonas Brothers (#40), Diddy (#68), Lil Wayne (#74) and Akon (#80).

"Twilight" star Robert Pattinson also makes his first appearance on the list, coming in at #50 with $17 million in earnings, followed by co-star Kristen Stewart at #66 with $12 million in earnings. The woman who started it all, "Twilight" author Stephenie Meyer, hits the #59 spot with $40 million in pay thanks to the $1 billion in box office the movies have earned so far and continued strong sales of the books from the series.

Former "American Idol" judge Simon Cowell earned a spot behind Madonna at #11 with a hefty $80 million payday, while fellow "Idol" cohort Ellen DeGeneres (#23) earned $55 million from her stint on the reality show and her syndicated daily talker. "Idol" host Ryan Seacrest weighs in at #44 with $51 million from his variety of TV hosting gigs, radio show and producer credits on reality shows.

Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/tiger_woods_announces_return_to

Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex
February 19, 2010 | Issue 46•07 Onion Sports

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL — In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.

"Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me," Woods said. "I've missed it. I love fucking with all my heart."

Woods said that during his brief time away from sex, he couldn't stop thinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of sexual intercourse with random women who look vaguely like his wife, only skankier.

"When I am out there having sex, I am in complete control," said Woods, an acknowledged master of the long game who claims he is only truly at peace when he is between the legs of a woman. "It's just me and my thoughts. And a high-end escort. And the lounge dancer. And sometimes [caddie] Stevie. And probably some stewardess I just met."

"I'm so into it that I usually just block out all the cameras," Woods added.

Saying that fucking is his "calling and [his] one true passion," Woods spoke of how he has always adored the sight of a neatly trimmed mound, the smell of fresh stank early in the morning when the labia glisten with dewy juices, and the feel of a perfect impact with a woman's vagina.

"That sensation just flows right up the shaft, through my hands, and quavers up and down my spine," Woods said. "Ever since I was 16, I've loved that feeling. It's like new every time."

"To be honest, I'd do this for free," Woods added. "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."

During his announcement, Woods released an aggressive touring schedule that reaffirmed his commitment to sex. He is slated to take part in a three-day lovemaking session in March at the Clarion Hotel in Orlando, and confirmed that he would join a foursome at the Doral Resort and Spa in Miami as a tune-up for his first major fuckfest in Augusta, GA.

In addition, Woods said he will not renege on his annual stop in Dubai, and said he looked forward to boning a prostitute on the roof of this year's venue, the Burj Al Arab Hotel.

The 34-year-old sexual superstar said he is "far from satisfied" by his previous erotic achievements and that he expects to return to sex even stronger than before. However, Woods admitted he may not be in top form at first.

"I'll probably be a little rusty," Woods said. "But once I swing the old cock around a few times and get it in the first couple holes, I'm confident that I'll still be able to drive it as deep as I always have."

"There will be times when I get into some thick muff, and I'll have to set my jaw and hack my way through it," Woods continued. "Just keep my head down and hit that with all the force I can muster. I welcome the challenge."

Woods believes that his long game, which relies on innate strength and stamina, has probably suffered the least from his hiatus, but that his finesse, iron control, and deft touch around the hole are aspects of his game that may be slow to come back.

"I just have to take my time, visualize the line, and read the grain and the slope of the vulva correctly," Woods said. "It's really all mental at that point."

Reaction to Woods' announcement has been generally positive. Many of his closest friends, including Mark O'Mera, said that Woods' return would undoubtedly be great for sex, and that, selfishly, he loves to watch Woods out there doing his thing.

Woods' fans have also been supportive.

"I'm so glad Tiger is coming back," said 27-year-old Florida resident and cocktail waitress Brandi Hughes. "He's the best."

Woods concluded his press conference by saying that he is looking forward to chasing Jack Nicklaus' record of fucking 18 major babes at one time.

Tiger Woods?!? The REAL Athletes of the Decade

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Enjoy this week’s article, which is in today’s NY Daily News

In struggle and sports,

Dave Z

Tiger Woods?!? The REAL Athletes of the Decade

http://www.nydailynews.com/opinions/2009/12/18/2009-12-18_the_other_big_tiger_scandal.html#ixzz0a2o0fBPR

By Dave Zirin

It feels almost liberating to say the words "Tiger Woods" and "outrage" in the same sentence, without referencing any of the sleaze of the past month. This particular outrage involves the Associated Press and their naming of Woods as "athlete of the decade."

Even worse is their top four - which includes, in order, cyclist Lance Armstrong, tennis player Roger Federer and swimmer Michael Phelps. This list is so bizarre, so male and so near-Caucasian, it seems to have been conjured by Glenn Beck.

But let's leave aside for a moment the country club pursuits and plethora of testicles defining the list. The fact that there is no soccer or basketball player immediately brands it a sham. And the thought that a golfer - any golfer - would be No. 1 is absurd. Golf is not a sport. It's a game. It's darts. It's billiards. It's the World Series of Poker with walking. I believe that anything that you can gain weight while performing, or anything you can do at a world-class level while smoking, just isn't a true athletic competition.

Otherwise the AP should've included people like the Great Takeru Kobayashi, who held the competitive hot dog eating record for six straight years. In 2001, he doubled the old mark, scarfing down 50 weenies in 12 minutes. Disgusting? Sure. But no more vile than the amount of acreage and water needed to maintain a golf course.

Even more obnoxious is the presence of Lance Armstrong and the absence of Barry Bonds in the top five. Armstrong won every Tour De France from 2000-2005. But it's been rumored that the man has done more illegal pharmaceuticals than Keith Richards. Bonds didn't receive a single vote despite becoming the all-time home run champion, and the first player to have 500 home runs and 500 steals. If an anabolic odor cost Bonds, it should cost Armstrong as well.

So who really deserves to be in the top five? Considering all mental and physical athletic variables, my No. 1 is soccer star Ronaldihno. By combining speed and an unholy stamina, the Brazilian has become the sport's consensus player of the decade. He has achieved this while representing a country where soccer ranks somewhere above oxygen.

My No. 2 two choice is Serena Williams. Serena has won 10 majors this decade, which is impressive enough. But she's also risen to the top as an African-American in the lily-white world of tennis, while also playing out from under the shadow of her sister Venus. And she rose to the top with a powerful and decidedly un-ladylike style that was as audacious as her infamous catsuit.

My third pick is Kobe Bryant. In addition to four championships, he may go down as the greatest scorer in the history of the sport not named Wilt Chamberlain. Consider Kobe's decade. In addition to four titles, he scored 81 points in a game, had four straight 50-point games, and nailed 62 points in three quarters against Dallas, outscoring their entire team.

Fourth on the list for me is Roger Federer. Federer's numbers overwhelm the senses. Fifteen Grand Slam titles, 22 consecutive Grand Slam semifinal appearances, and 237 consecutive weeks ranked No. 1. Yes, the AP got that one right.

For No. 5, I go with Ray Lewis, middle linebacker of the Baltimore Ravens - one of the great players in league history, as well as the epitome of controlled adrenaline. He belongs on this list.

That's my top five. And to the AP: Thank you for offending us all with a Tiger Woods story that has nothing to do with his zipper.


Dave Zirin is the author of “A People’s History of Sports in the United States” (The New Press) Receive his column every week by emailing dave@edgeofsports.com. Contact him at edgeofsports@gmail.com .

Woods voted top athlete of the decade

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5ikX-J9szR7SvQKFtkhHIwP26dlDAD9CKFO5O0

Woods voted top athlete of the decade
By DOUG FERGUSON (AP)
12-16-9

Even after a shocking sex scandal that tarnished Tiger Woods, it was tough to ignore what he achieved on the golf course.

He won 64 times around the world, including 12 majors, and hoisted a trophy on every continent golf is played. He lost only one time with the lead going into the final round. His 56 PGA Tour victories in one incomparable decade were more than anyone except four of golf's greatest players won in their careers.

Woods was selected Wednesday as the Athlete of the Decade by members of The Associated Press in a vote that was more about 10 years of performance than nearly three weeks of salacious headlines.

Just like so many of his victories, it wasn't much of a contest.

Woods received 56 of the 142 votes cast by AP member editors since last month. More than half of the ballots were returned after the Nov. 27 car accident outside his Florida home that set off sensational tales of infidelity.

Lance Armstrong, a cancer survivor who won the Tour de France six times this decade, finished second with 33 votes. He was followed by Roger Federer, who won more Grand Slam singles titles than any other man, with 25 votes.

Record-setting Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps came in fourth with 13 votes, followed by New England quarterback Tom Brady (6) and sprinter Usain Bolt (4). Five other athletes received one vote apiece.

Woods, who has not been seen since the accident and has issued only three statements on his Web site, was not made available to comment about the award.

Few other athletes have changed their sport quite like Woods. His influence has been so powerful that TV ratings spiked whenever he played, even more when he has been in contention. Prize money has quadrupled since he joined the PGA Tour because of his broad appeal.

A new image emerged quickly in the days following his middle-of-the-night accident, when he ran his SUV over a fire hydrant and into a tree. He became the butt of late-night TV jokes, eventually confessed that he "let my family down" with "transgressions" and lost a major sponsorship from Accenture.

Even so, AP members found his work on the golf course over the last 10 years without much of a blemish. Woods took an early lead in balloting, and continued to receive roughly the same percentage of votes throughout the process.

"Despite the tsunami of negative publicity that will likely tarnish his image, there's no denying that Woods' on-the-course accomplishments set a new standard of dominance within his sport while making golf more accessible to the masses," wrote Stu Whitney, sports editor of the Sioux Falls (S.D.) Argus Leader.

"The only proof needed are the television ratings when Tiger plays in a golf tournament, compared to those events when others have to carry the load."

Woods tumbled from the pinnacle of his sport in just about three weeks. The 10 years that preceded that fall, however, represented perhaps the greatest decade in golf history.

He won the career Grand Slam three times over, including one U.S. Open by a record 15 shots at Pebble Beach and another U.S. Open on a mangled leg in a playoff at Torrey Pines. He twice won the British Open at St. Andrews, the home of golf, by a combined 13 shots.

Woods won 56 times on the PGA Tour this decade, a rate of 30 percent that is unprecedented in golf. Nine of those victories were by at least eight shots. He was No. 1 in the world ranking for all but 32 weeks in the decade, that when he was revamping his swing.

He did his best work in the biggest events.

Along with his 12 majors this decade — he has 14 overall, four short of the record held by Jack Nicklaus — Woods was runner-up in six other majors. He won 14 times out of 27 appearances in the World Golf Championships.

Woods finished the decade with $81,547,410 in earnings from his PGA Tour events, an average of $482,529 per tournament.

***

'SNL' can't resist Tiger Woods jokes

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hhdywhzzDH_1MJpdh2abBtOpkVBwD9CE6REO0

'SNL' can't resist Tiger Woods jokes
12-7-9

NEW YORK — Tiger Woods and his marital problems proved a tempting target for "Saturday Night Live."

In both a skit and multiple "Weekend Update" jokes this weekend, NBC's comedy institution took on the golfer, who has admitted to letting his family down with "transgressions" that came to light following a strange Thanksgiving weekend incident outside his Florida home.

In one skit, actor Jason Sudeikis portrayed Wolf Blitzer on CNN's "Situation Room" reporting on a news conference that Woods (played by Kenan Thompson) and his wife (played by host Blake Lively) were holding outside his home. After Woods admitted to "multiple" transgressions, his wife looked surprised and the screen quickly shifted back to Blitzer.

"Breaking news," Blitzer said. "Tiger Woods is back in the hospital. "Apparently just hours after a press conference where he confessed to multiple transgressions, Woods had an accident in his home where he fell down a flight of stairs then inadvertently threw himself through a plate glass window."

Woods returned for a later news conference, his wife brandishing a golf club next to him, where he said, "Wow, I've been really clumsy this week."

He had more such "accidents," then returns to read a prepared statement with the words "help me" and "I'm scared" written on the back of the papers for the audience to see.

In "Weekend Update," anchor Seth Meyers peppered Woods with one-liners.

"Last Friday Tiger Woods hit a tree and a bunch of ladies fell out," he said.

Meyers noted that Woods and his wife were in negotiations over their prenuptial agreement, and "what's really weird is he presented her with one of those huge, oversized checks."

Woods' sponsors are sticking with him, Meyers said, "a gesture that only means one thing — women don't watch golf."

Tiger Woods: Focus

Vegas oddsmakers have put the over/under for total number of Tiger Woods' mistresses at 15...

Tiger Shoots 9 Under At The Whore Invitational

http://www.celebjihad.com/celeb-jihad/tiger-woods-shoots-9-under-at-the-whore-invitational

Tiger Woods Shoots 9 Under At The Whore Invitational
Durka Durka on Monday, December 7, 2009

Us Magazine is reporting that the number of women who claim to have been birdied by Woods is now at 9.

In addition to the already much-discussed club manager Rachel Uchitel and Tool Academy alum Jaimee Grubbs, the following women have come forward claiming Tiger dropped a ball in their hole, Kalika Moquin, Jamie Jungers, 31-year-old “Manhattan clubber” Cori Rist, an anonymous Orlando woman (we’ll assume her name is Fellatio Queef), and of course porn star Holly Sampson.

But perhaps the most interesting new whore is one Mindy Lawton. I know you are thinking with a name like Mindy she is probably some sort of sophisticated businesswoman slash brain surgeon, but surprisingly she is just a waitress in Orlando.

Since Tiger took his 9-iron out her mouth Mindy has been free to flap her man-pleaser and she is relishing in the opportunity. Apparently unaware of how affairs work a hurt Mindy complains, “all he wanted me for was sex”. She went on to describe all the kinky stuff her and Tiger did together including having sex in a church parking lot and at Tiger’s home while his then-pregnant wife was out of town. She also went on to state that Tiger likes to play in the rough saying, “he wanted to spank me and loved pulling my hair as we had sex.”

In related news, VH1 announced that they have found the cast for the new seasons of “For The Love Of Ray J” and “Charm School”.