Beast of the Month - September 2009

The Hills, The Jonas Brothers and Twilight, Beastly End-of-the-Decade Cultural Works
"I yam an anti-Christ..."
John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten) of The Sex Pistols, "Anarchy in the UK"

OK, we get it, America. You really don't want to hear any more about the worst economic crisis since The Great Depression, costly pointless wars in the Middle East that have already lasted way too long, or how the USA appears to be heading swiftly into bankruptcy. No, what you do want is even more coverage of Michael Jackson's death.

And frankly, The Konformist doesn't blame you. And we're not just saying it's okay because, boy lover or not, Jacko was the greatest musical performer since Elvis. No America, you have no need to justify your love of the frivolous, because frankly, all this depressing talk really harshes our mellow.

And so, with the Zeroes nearly over, it may be a good time to mimic other news sources and do a best-of-the-decade cultural report. Only this being The Konformist, it should naturally be worst-of-the-decade, or at least the worst things out there as 2009 comes to a close. And that would have to be The Hills, The Jonas Brothers and Twilight, The Konformist Beast of the Month co-winners.

Enough said, let's get to the handing out the prizes...

WORST FILM FRANCHISE: TWILIGHT

We admit it, we've become converts to the misunderstood genius that is Michael Bay. Even at his worst, he's an American original who focuses his art on important issues, like car chases, explosions and Megan Fox's breasts. That's why, no matter how bad uptight critics insist the latest Transformers flick is, this isn't the worst franchise out there.

It's hard to believe that vampires were once linked to bad-ass actors like Max Schreck, Boris Karloff, Jack Palance, Christopher Lee, Frank Langella, Gary Oldman and George Hamilton. Hell, in the last decade, Wesley Snipes has contributed to awesome vampire performances in the Blade movie series. But it says something that as the decade closes, Snipes faces serious jail time over petty tax issues in a battle with the IRS, while one of the biggest movie franchise on the planet is Twilight.

(Of course, we could also award Twilight worst book series, but since it's the only fiction people still read that doesn't have "Harry Potter" or "Dan Brown" on it's cover, we'll give it a pass for at least helping to encourage literacy.)

It's been 33 years since Anne Rice revolutionized the bloodsucker tale with Interview with the Vampire. True, Rice has her share of critics. Still, even the worst hater of Anne Rice would admit the mopey performances by Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas and Tom "I'm Definitely Not Gay!!!" Cruise in the 1994 adaptation of her book aren't even half as wimpy as that dude in Twilight. Indeed, Robert Pattinson is such a whiny little goth boy in the 2008 film, he could easily get his ass kicked by Morrissey or Robert Smith of The Cure. Frankly, Adam Lambert from American Idol is more threatening than this guy.

All of which makes The Konformist a little confused. We thought the purpose of vampire stories was to scare people. But in Twilight, Dracula mythos are transformed into a modern gothic love story, and not even a good one. Granted, Stephenie Meyer is no Stephen King, Clive Barker or Edgar Allen Poe, but certainly she should be expected to reach the level of a Harlequin novel in her prose. Instead, her scribblings (and the film they have inspired) are at best at the Tiger Beat level. "He's so mysterious! And he's sensitive! But he has a dark side!" This is the depth we are dealing with here.

Despite (or perhaps because of) this, Twilight has been a huge box office success, having earned over $380 million worldwide. It also won five trophies from the prestigious MTV film awards, including Best Movie. (Okay, it's not the Cannes Film Festival, but the MTV prizes are a good measure of where our culture is headed.) It also won 10 trophies at Teen Choice Awards, including Best Drama and Best Romance. What's wrong with kids these days?

Thanks to the success of Twilight, sequels are set to roll out the next two years, no doubt each with increasing levels of hype. And the worst thing about it is each time, millions of guys will be forced to endure the torture of watching it with their girlfriends or wives. (On the plus side, it will at least get women to stop yapping about Grey's Anatomy temporarily.) Be prepared for a simulation of getting waterboarded at Guantanamo, boys.

WORST MUSIC: THE JONAS BROTHERS

When The Konformist gave Lou Pearlman, the mastermind behind both the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync, a BOTM prize back in 1999, we were worried that the boy band fad that was blossoming ten years ago would morph into a long term trend of bad music. Unfortunately, we were, as usual, right, as the Zeroes have been easily the worst decade of music in the rock era. One telling fact: what was the most popular musical artist on the planet as 2009 started? That would be The Jonas Brothers, who are, of course, yet another boy band.

Actually, perhaps the term "boy band" would be giving them too much credit: the bros could best be described as a disposable product of the Disney corporation. Their albums over the last three years (The Jonas Brothers, A Little Bit Longer and Lines, Vines & Trying Times) all were released on Disney's Hollywood Records. They have also appeared in the Disney Channel film Camp Rock and have a series on the network titled JONAS. They also were in the Disney theatrical release movie Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience, which may be the worst use of 3D technology in the history of cinema.

To be fair, The Jonas Brothers aren't the only brain rot marketing tool being sold right now: Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato and, most famously, Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana are all consumer goods delivered by Disney through music, movies and television. There is also, of course, the whole High School Musical fad, another multimedia brand delivered by Mickey Mouse to the masses. All told, the aging little rodent is to blame for most of what is wrong with music right now.

Almost as bad as their music (which is saying quite a bit) is the boys' decision to wear "purity rings" to proclaim publicly their desire to remain virgins until marriage. Pretending for a second that they may be telling the truth (remember when Britney feigned a desire for virginity?) that would make them the only guys ever to get involved in music without the intention to get laid. Which is why they are probably lying, as even with a boy band as lame as 'N Sync, the only guy who wasn't sleeping with girls was Lance Bass, and that's because he was gay.

Indeed, the whole "purity ring" thing seems so mock worthy even an alleged comedian like Russell Brand could get some laughs out of it at last year's MTV Music Awards. So could the boys at South Park, who deservedly mocked it this year as part of a Disney plot to exploit teenage sexual desires while feigning a devotion to conservative values.

The good news here is that a change in pop music tastes is on the horizon, and in the rearrangement of the chairs, bugglegum crap like the Jonas seems to be on the way out. It's likely that after the eyes and ears of the masses have been so defiled by the latest offering by Lady Gaga, there is no way for the public to turn back. (Gaga, it should be noted, has offered to take the Jonas in a four-way, purity rings or not.) If the boy band fad is finally killed, good riddance.

WORST TELEVISION SHOW: THE HILLS

Unsurprisingly, this was the most difficult award to decide, simply because there is just so much Beastly TV out there, thanks to the crappy-as-ever "Reality Television" fad that has dominated the decade's boob tube landscape for the worse.

In the end, though it was a close call, the decision was pretty obvious. Keeping Up with the Kardashians may be utterly inane (has there ever been three girls so devoid of talent as Kim, Khloe & Kourtney?) and Jon & Kate Plus 8 may seem absolutely random (seriously, does pumping out eight babies from a uterus really qualify as a reason for celebrityhood?) but The Hills sets the standard for Beastly TV by virtue of the overtly repellant behavior of its cast.

After all, whatever is wrong with the Kardashian girls, they all actually seem like likable women, and in this day and age, being decent people (especially remarkable considering the spoiled Beverly Hills upbringing they had) should count for something. Meanwhile, the Gosselins may seem pathetically desperate for attention and fame, but considering they are like lottery winners put in a fishbowl (albeit by their own choice) their aberrant behavior seems somewhat logical and understandable. But there is absolutely no excuse for the combination of shallowness, smug entitlement, and pathological nastiness that is at the heart of The Hills.

In fact, The Konformist is loathe to even mention the names of Spencer Pratt & Heidi Montag, Lauren Conrad, Audrina Partridge, Kristin Cavallari and Brody Jenner, simply because doing so gives them the undeserved fame they crave. (And please, you fans of the show out there, don't send any emails saying "Lauren and Audrina are nice, it's Heidi who's the BITCH!!!" They're all fame whores.) If the Gosselins are lotto champs, The Hills seems to be the end result of a reality competition to turn the most dubious contestants into "celebrity" stars.

Of course, Spencer & Heidi are the most notorious for their obnoxious behavior, which is why they have naturally become the most prominently featured cast members in the celebrity rags. In a surprising twist, the couple appeared on the Alex Jones radio show in June to proclaim their support for conspiracy theory. This is not really to their credit, but rather to conspiracy theory shame. (At The Konformist, we'll take celebrities whose character we really respect as fans, such as Charlie Sheen, thank you very much!)

Sadly, The Hills, as noted before, isn't alone in reality hell entertainment. MTV (which airs the show) and VH1, once the home to Beavis & Butt-Head and Behind the Music documentaries (not to mention actual music videos) have become the channels dedicated to the most desperate of fame whores. This was even mocked in a June Onion article, "New VH1 Show Canceled For Not Being Pathetic Enough." The Hills, in fact, is merely a spin-off of the former (and equally annoying to watch) Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County, which proved real OC teenagers are even less sympathetic than their fake Hollywood counterparts. The Hills has also spawned two spin-offs, The City and Bromance, with another one in the works. Which means that the Beastly television has only begun.


In any case, we salute The Hills, The Jonas Brothers and Twilight as Beast of the Month. Congratulations, and keep up the great work, Dudes!!!