10 toys that will permanently screw up your kid

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10 toys that will permanently screw up your kid
K. Thor Jensen

Kids: they’re really easy to mess up. Look at all the Juggalos out there: they were born perfectly normal babies until some poison went into their brains and made them crazy. That poison: toys. Every day, Chinese factories produce toys specifically designed to make the next generation of American workers sexually confused, lazy and insane. Here’s 10 of the most brain-damaging toys for today’s kids.

10 Dora The Explorer Aquapet

I’ll be honest: I don’t have any idea what an “aquapet” is. But look at this thing. I’m surprised it doesn’t come with a storybook about Dora’s adventure in the warm brown cave.

9 Huggable Priest

That’s great. Teach kids to hug Catholic priests. Other dolls in this series include Huggable Gary Glitter, Huggable Michael Jackson and Huggable Rotating Sawblade.

8 Osama Phone

This Osama bin Laden cell phone was bought in Kissimmee, Florida. Above the Taliban leader’s head is the word “KING.” The same company also imported a toy that had a plane, numbered “9011,” flying into two buildings. Nice.

7 Inflatable Wolverine

Kids: if somebody tells you this is how you “jumpstart his mutant healing factor,” find a teacher or a police officer immediately.

6 Gelli Baff

Disgusting products of science: the Gelli Baff. It’s like taking a regular bath, only in unflavored Jell-O. Because kids obviously need to have worse personal hygiene.

5 Shave The Baby

The bizarre crusade against natural body hair didn’t just come out of nowhere to strike the god-fearing American pornography industry like a plague of razors. No, it was implanted in us as children through toys like this.

4 God Jesus Robot

The debate over the one true religion has finally been settled: God Jesus is a Japanese robot who will answer your questions like a sacrilegious Magic 8-Ball. Glad that’s settled.

3 The Punisher

I always wondered about the appropriateness of making action figures out of mass-murdering Marvel antihero The Punisher, but throw in a gigantic crotch-cannon and it makes a little more sense.

2 Japanese Russian Roulette

This is like training wheels for grown-up Russian Roulette. An insidious plot by people who have seen The Deer Hunter one too many times.

1 Pole Dance Doll

Because our little girls aren’t becoming prostitutes fast enough.

K. Thor Jensen K. Thor Jensen is an award-winning writer and graphic novelist who lives on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. His website is Shortandhappy.com. He fought six Draculas and won.