10 toys that will permanently screw up your kid

http://guyism.com/humor/toys-that-will-permanently-screw-up-your-kid.html

10 toys that will permanently screw up your kid
K. Thor Jensen

Kids: they’re really easy to mess up. Look at all the Juggalos out there: they were born perfectly normal babies until some poison went into their brains and made them crazy. That poison: toys. Every day, Chinese factories produce toys specifically designed to make the next generation of American workers sexually confused, lazy and insane. Here’s 10 of the most brain-damaging toys for today’s kids.

10 Dora The Explorer Aquapet

I’ll be honest: I don’t have any idea what an “aquapet” is. But look at this thing. I’m surprised it doesn’t come with a storybook about Dora’s adventure in the warm brown cave.

9 Huggable Priest

That’s great. Teach kids to hug Catholic priests. Other dolls in this series include Huggable Gary Glitter, Huggable Michael Jackson and Huggable Rotating Sawblade.

8 Osama Phone

This Osama bin Laden cell phone was bought in Kissimmee, Florida. Above the Taliban leader’s head is the word “KING.” The same company also imported a toy that had a plane, numbered “9011,” flying into two buildings. Nice.

7 Inflatable Wolverine

Kids: if somebody tells you this is how you “jumpstart his mutant healing factor,” find a teacher or a police officer immediately.

6 Gelli Baff

Disgusting products of science: the Gelli Baff. It’s like taking a regular bath, only in unflavored Jell-O. Because kids obviously need to have worse personal hygiene.

5 Shave The Baby

The bizarre crusade against natural body hair didn’t just come out of nowhere to strike the god-fearing American pornography industry like a plague of razors. No, it was implanted in us as children through toys like this.

4 God Jesus Robot

The debate over the one true religion has finally been settled: God Jesus is a Japanese robot who will answer your questions like a sacrilegious Magic 8-Ball. Glad that’s settled.

3 The Punisher

I always wondered about the appropriateness of making action figures out of mass-murdering Marvel antihero The Punisher, but throw in a gigantic crotch-cannon and it makes a little more sense.

2 Japanese Russian Roulette

This is like training wheels for grown-up Russian Roulette. An insidious plot by people who have seen The Deer Hunter one too many times.

1 Pole Dance Doll

Because our little girls aren’t becoming prostitutes fast enough.

K. Thor Jensen K. Thor Jensen is an award-winning writer and graphic novelist who lives on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. His website is Shortandhappy.com. He fought six Draculas and won.

Group Releases List of Hazardous Toys

http://biz.yahoo.com/ap/071113/ma_hazardous_toys.html

Group Releases List of Hazardous Toys
Tuesday November 13, 2007
By Jay Lindsay, Associated Press Writer
Toy Safety Advocates Release Annual List of Hazardous Toys

BOSTON (AP) -- A toy safety group released its annual "10 Worst Toys" list on Tuesday, highlighting both the hidden dangers like lead paint on a bathtub boat and more obvious hazards, such as a spinning plastic pirate's dagger.

World Against Toys Causing Harm has released the list around the holidays for 35 years, but this year it came amid a rash of recent recalls, particularly of toys made in China.

Among the toys identified as hazardous were Sticky Stones -- magnetized stones that, if swallowed, could stick together inside a child's stomach -- and the Rubber Band Shooter, which could cause eye injuries, according to the group.

One toy on the WATCH list, Go Diego Go Animal Rescue Boat by Mattel's Fisher Price, was recalled last month because it contained lead paint, but the rest are for sale.

WATCH officials said the list showed that the undermanned U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, which regulates the toy industry, doesn't do enough to ensure that toy makers sell safe toys and the industry has failed to police itself.

"Why are toys being made with known toxins?" said attorney Joan Siff of WATCH. "The best interests of children need to be put before the best interests of toy companies."

Julie Vallese, spokeswoman for the safety commission, called WATCH's claims insulting, citing a 50 percent rise in the number of recalled toys this year -- from 40 in 2006, to 61 in 2007 -- that resulted from a commitment to tougher inspections

"Toys that are for sale right now have gone through more investigation and more scrutiny than any year past," Vallese said.

Joan Lawrence of the Toy Industry Association questioned the usefulness of WATCH's list, saying such lists often lack context about who the toy is aimed at and how it should be used.

For instance, "Jack Sparrow's Spinning Dagger," a toy from the popular "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie trilogy, clearly isn't right for small children, but is fine for older kids, Lawrence said.

"In general, the products are safe as intended to be used," she said.

The toy industry has been hit by a series of recalls, including earlier this year when America's Mattel Inc. recalled more than 21 million Chinese-made toys worldwide because of concerns about lead paint and tiny detachable magnets.

More recently, millions of the "Aqua Dots" toy beads were recalled and the Chinese government confirmed they contained a substance that can turn into a "date-rape" drug after ingestion.

WATCH, whose directors and founder are civil attorneys, doesn't conduct tests on the toys, but rather shops with an eye toward features such as small, detachable parts or hard, pointed edges it says aren't safe.

"A lot of families feel that if a toy has made it to the shelf, it must be safe," said James Swartz of WATCH. "The sad truth is, the frightening truth is, that is not the case."

Vallese said federal inspectors can't inspect every toy, and clearly some present possible hazards. She said as inspectors look for problems, parents should be vigilant.

"There is a shared responsibility in making sure the toys that are being used are being used by the right aged child and have the proper supervision," she said.

The toys on the 2007 WATCH list and the companies that make them are:

-- Go Diego Go Animal Rescue boat, by Fisher Price. Contains lead paint.

-- Sticky Stones, GeoCentral. Magnetized stones that, if swallowed, could "stick together across the intestines, causing serious infections and death."

-- Jack Sparrow's Spinning Dagger, Zizzle. Viewed as eye hazard.

-- Dora The Explorer Lamp, Funhouse. Potential for electric shocks and burns.

-- Lil "Giddy Up" Horse -- Sassy Pet Saks, Douglas. Contains fibers and small parts that could be a choking hazard.

-- Spider Man 3 New Goblin Sword, Hasbro. Rigid plastic could cause injuries.

-- Hip Hoppa, by Spin Master Ltd. and Vivid Imaginations, Ltd. A combination footboard and bouncing ball that children jump on has the potential for head and other injuries.

-- B'Loonies Party Park, Ja-Ru, Inc. Children blow balloon-like toy out of substance squeezed from tube. Has potential for chemical ingestion.

-- My Little Baby Born, Entertainment, Inc.; Zapf Creations AG. Baby doll comes attached to tiny pacifier that could be swallowed.

-- Rubber Band Shooter, Simple Toys LLC. Shoots rubber bands and presents eye hazard.