January 17, 2008
Jessica Simpson Completes Elaborate Plan To Destroy Cowboys' Season
January 17, 2008 Onion Sports
DALLAS—Speaking to reporters she had invited into her impenetrable subterranean Texas lair on Monday, Jessica Simpson gloated over the victory she recently achieved after nearly two years of using her personal charms, her unique brand of cunning, and every resource at her disposal to meticulously plot the downfall of the Cowboys' 2007 season.
"Ever since I was a little girl growing up in football-obsessed Texas, it's been a dream of mine to completely bring the evil, arrogant Cowboys organization and its boorish and cocky fans to their knees. But the suave and sophisticated players on that team are nigh-unapproachable for a nice country girl like me," Simpson declared from her Throne of Thorns, situated in the surveillance room of her headquarters. "And then I saw Tony. Instantly I knew that he was the weak link, the keystone, the only one for me to exploit."
According to Simpson, her meticulously crafted plan hinged on capturing Romo's interest, artificially inflating his confidence, and allowing the Cowboys to gain success early in the season in order to create an atmosphere of swaggering arrogance among the team. Then, Simpson moved to Phase Beta, playfully distracting them with her ubiquitous, flirtatious presence games by waving, cheering, and attracting media attention. In addition, Simpson spent months analyzing quarterback efficiency, completion rates, and blocking stats, as well as dissecting the tendencies of defenses on second and third downs, and bending over to convince Romo to try out one of her audible calls.
"He's such a kind and honest man," Simpson added. "Such Midwestern earnestness, such gullibility. You couldn't ask for someone dopier to manipulate in order to overthrow this so-called 'America's team.'"
In addition to personally planning each phase of the diabolical plan, Simpson invested vast amounts of money into developing a highly volatile perfume formulated specifically to confuse and dazzle Romo. Created by skilled histological techno-artisans to magnify Simpson's natural pheromones, the quasi-hypnotic scent consisted of citrus blossoms, rose petals, and a complex combination of beetle secretions and the musk glands of Key deer. Simpson estimated the scent reduced Romo's I.Q. by as much as 40 points.
"A few dabs placed on the nape of my neck and Tony's concentration melted when I leaned towards him," the multi-platinum recording artist said. "As a side effect, the soporific effects of the fragrance often forced him to hang on to the ball too long or throw into coverage instead of tossing the ball out of bounds."
Simpson's long-sought opportunity to ruin the Cowboys attempt to return to the Super Bowl arose on Oct. 26, 2006 when, watching the monitors in the control center of her underground compound, she observed unwitting backup quarterback Tony Romo replace the injured Drew Bledsoe. Although Simpson said her ambitious scheme was merely in its embryonic stage at that point, she stated that when she saw Romo's first pass attempt was intercepted, his fate as the pop starlet's hapless pawn was sealed.
Simpson immediately assembled a psychological profile of Romo to discover his desires, fears, and favorite color in order to expose him on the gridiron. Enlisting the services of paparazzi, Simpson offered to tip off the photographers in exchange for them sending reporter colleagues to Romo's hometown of Burlington, WI in order to gather critical information from his friends and neighbors.
"No one could stand in my way," Simpson said. "His biggest fans were tricked into thinking the reporters wanted to write an article about what it was like for Tony to grow up in Burlington. Little did they know that I was obtaining knowledge key to eroding his completion rate."
"The hardest thing was restraining myself since I could have made him melt down a few weeks into the season," Simpson added, claiming that it required a great deal of discipline to stop herself from giving Romo too much pumpkin pie when he spent Thanksgiving with her family. "But I knew if I really wanted to hurt the team and its stupid, slavish fans, I would have to let them get as close as possible and then snatch it away. So I let them make the playoffs."
Although the final phase of Simpson's complex scheme occurred at her remote fortress in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico during the Cowboys' playoff bye week, the full impact of the plan would not be felt until Simpson called Romo at that week's practice every five minutes to apologize for jinxing him. Simpson, who asked the team's secretary to announce her phone calls over the PA system at the Cowboys facilities, credited the move for baffling the team into dropped passes and penalties at critical moments in the division playoff game.
Simpson added that if she has some free time while recording her new country album, she would love the chance to ruin the Pro Bowl for the 12 Cowboys selected.