Zeroes for the Zeroes
Robert Sterling, Konformist.com
If there's one thing people love, it's lists. And after the end of each decade, a common thing to do is come up with a list of the greatest movies of the decade.
At The Konformist, we've decided to take the opposite tactic. Let others celebrate the best of the decade, we're going to focus on the worst. Here then, on the first Thanksgiving of the new decade, is The Konformist list of the top 25 Turkeys of the 2000s.
First, lets define this list: a Turkey movie is one that is not merely bad, but is an icon of bad film. These are movies that people cite and often seek for their innate badness. Thus, it can be argued that being a Turkey is a good thing. As the saying goes, "Love me or hate me, you can't ignore me." These are movies that can't be ignored.
Please note that this isn't a personal list, which would be quite different. Instead, this list is based on a secret mathematical formula, which includes information from IMDB.com, RottenTomatoes.com, BoxOfficeMojo.com and Razzies.com, along with Google and Yahoo searches. In cases where more than one movie in a series would make the list, the best (or worst) example of the series is cited, with the others receiving honorable mention.
Enough said. Gobble gobble!
25. 10,000 BC (2008)
Director Roland Emmerich is best known this decade for making dumb but entertaining blockbusters, such as The Patriot, The Day After Tomorrow and 2012. (This is a formula he perfected in 1996 with Independence Day.) 10,000 BC is his dumbest and least entertaining movie of the zeroes. Bonus Turkey points for not having the good sense to include a Racquel Welch lookalike prancing around half-naked.
24. Norbit (2007)
Less than a year after nearly winning an Oscar for Dreamgirls, Eddie Murphy won three Golden Rasberry Awards for his three rolls in this stinker that buried a potential career comeback.
23. Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)
One dumb action film inspired by a comic book series can be fun, but a sequel? Not so much. Wisely, 20th Century Fox chose not to screen this movie to critics.
22. Glitter (2001)
A movie so bad, it nearly destroyed Mariah Carey's career and probably fueled her emotional breakdown. A tragedy for the greatest vocal talent this side of Whitney Houston over the last 25 years, that makes the film the equivalent of Bobby Brown on crack.
21. Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003)
Not that the first Angels film was a masterpiece, but at least it was entertaining. This sequel wasn't, and helped cement McG as one of the most notorious hack directors around.
20. Ultraviolet (2006)
Milla Jovovich is an actress whose beauty matches her immense talent. Unfortunately, because of her beauty, she rarely gets the chance to use it in film, and this sci-fi clunker is the worst example of wasting her skills.
19. Scary Movie 2 (2001)
When did the creators of In Living Color become not funny? This is the film where the Wayan Brothers jumped the shark. A sequel for the more entertaining first movie of the series, it helped pave the way for future Wayan stinkers like White Chicks and Little Man, as well as the entire Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer Blank Movie series.
18. Pearl Harbor (2001)
The movie that has defined the career of director Michael Bay, for better and worse. Okay, for worse. Bonus Turkey points for being mocked in Team America: World Police.
17. The Happening (2008)
When the Zeroes began, M. Night Shyamalan was the hot promising director, courtesy of his clever plot twist flick The Sixth Sense. Each movie that followed was worst than the previous one, climaxing with this bomb starring Marky Mark. It now seems no plot twist can save his career.
16. Dragonball Evolution (2009)
If George Lucas earned hatred for Episodes 1-3 by Star Wars cultists, he's lucky not to face the wrath of the anime fans. Dragonball Evolution gets major bonus Turkey points for being so despised by such a large and devoted Internet community.
15. You Got Served (2004)
How did a film this lousy inspire a "Dance Movie" fad after its release? Bonus Turkey Points for including K-Fed in its cast.
14. Wicker Man (2006)
Ten years after winning the Oscar for Leaving Las Vegas, Nicholas Cage starred in this remake of a horror classic. It exemplifies how his name has become code for "respected actor trading in his cred for easy money in pure schlock."
13. Son of the Mask (2005)
Eleven years after The Mask helped make Jim Carrey a star, this sequel was released without him. Poor Jamie Kennedy was left holding the bag.
12. Crossroads (2002)
Marrying K-Fed, being singled out by Michael Moore for mockery in Fahrenheit 9/11 and her infamous VMA Awards performance certainly are lowlights of the downward spiral Britney Spears had this decade. Still, starring in one of the worst movies from the Zeroes certainly qualifies as one of her top "Jump the Shark" moments. Bonus Turkey points for singing her version of "I Love Rock 'n' Roll" in the flick.
11. BloodRayne (2006)
Turkey auteur Uwe Boll just misses the top 10 with this crappy film based on a video game. Don't worry, there's more where this one came from.
10. Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009)
A Jonas Brothers concert? The worst use of 3D technology ever. Bonus Turkey points for the purity rings.
9. From Justin to Kelly (2003)
American Idol may be the most popular TV show of the decade, but it didn't translate well to film. In 2005, named the worst musical of the past quarter century by the Golden Raspberry Awards.
8. House of the Dead (2003)
The second Uwe Boll video game adaptation to make this list, this is the film that introduced the world to Boll's unique talents.
7. The Hottie and the Nottie (2008)
Any film starring Paris Hilton is almost begging to be put on this list. We've decided not to disappoint the makers of this dud.
6. Alone in the Dark (2005)
The third and highest ranked video game adaptation from Uwe Boll on this list. This crapperpiece can be summed it one sentence: Tara Reid as an archaeologist and museum curator. Sorry Tara, but you're no Harrison Ford.
5. Catwoman (2004)
Halle Berry won a Best Actress Oscar (the first for any African-American woman) for her performance in Monster's Ball in 2001. In 2002, she became the sexiest Bond girl this side of Ursulla Andress. Two years later, she starred in this kitty litter of a movie, and her career hasn't been the same. Bonus Turkey points for being directed by a French guy named Pitof.
4. Gigli (2003)
The movie that melded Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez into one, something that will haunt both of them for the rest of their lives. The Golden Raspberries named it the worst comedy of the past quarter century in 2005. Bonus Turkey points for the worst line of dialogue from the decade, when J.Lo attempts to seduce Ben with "Gobble gobble."
3. Twilight: New Moon (2009)
A Turkey which is unique in that nearly half of its audience didn't even want to see it. Seriously, has there ever been a movie where this many guys were dragged to by their girlfriends and forced to endure? The first Twilight was bad enough, but this one gets bonus Turkey points for the whole "Team Edward or Team Jacob" marketing plan. (Although it must be said that Taylor Lautner does have nice abs.)
Dishonorable Mention: Twilight (2008)
2. Battlefield Earth (2000)
Roger Ebert put it best: "Something historic, a film that for decades to come will be the punch line of jokes about bad movies." Nuff said. The Golden Raspberries named it the worst drama of the past quarter century in 2005 and worst film of the decade in 2010.
1. Epic Movie (2007)
Sorry, Travolta, but you've been topped in decade stinkerdom. The winner is this entry from Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer in their atrocious Blank Movie series, which has surpassed Police Academy as the worst film series in movie history. They're all terrible, but Epic Movie deserves special note as the film that made the whole Blank Movie series a fad that couldn't be ignored
Dishonorable Mention: Date Movie (2006), Meet the Spartans (2008), Disaster Movie (2008)
Hope you enjoyed this list, and feel free to watch some of these movies with some tasty turkey leftovers this weekend!