Tuesday, November 16, 2010
TSA Launches New PERV Program
Tiger Woods Will Conduct Strip Searches
Safety Inspection today at O'Hair
International Airport in Chicago
(Washington, D.C.) by Robert Feeley - The Obama administration today announced strict new regulations regarding passenger clothing and invasive body searches for passengers boarding commercial flights in the United States. The TSA calls it the Program to Examine Random Voyagers, or PERV.
The modus operandi of Christmas Day airplane bomber Abdul Whacko al Kaboom, explosives in his underpants, prompted Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano to order that all passengers must wear thong underwear and be subject to random panty inspections effective immediately.
"Please drop your pants, miss"
The announcement brought a flood of employment applications for the position of Special PERV Inspector. Disgraced golfer Tiger Woods was first in line among dozens of other horndogs this morning at TSA headquarters and was hired for duty at Orlando International Airport. Mr. Woods spoke with SPN and said, "I'm looking forward to this new challenge. They want the lines to move fast at the airport and nobody gets a skirt up or a pair of pants down faster than me!"
Several members of congress will be touring the nation's airports on taxpayer funded fact-finding vacations, and Senator Barney Frank (D-Ma.) said he will personally volunteer to be strip searched as often as possible.