From Conspiracy Nation:
The Lost Gospel of Millard
In the ancient Google caves has been found, by a poor Red Man out watering his goats, The Lost Gospel of Millard.
Reproduced below is the venerable text.
Verse One: It was a dark and stormy night. The father of our Millard walked seven miles in the woods. The snow was deep. Wolves howled.
Verse Two: It had come time for Millard Fillmore to be born. Nathaniel Fillmore, of the wilderness, had married Phebe Millard. Hence was the name of Millard achieved, prefixing the Fillmore.
Verse Three: Soon after the birth of their son, the Fillmores were cheated out of land they owned by some real estate varmints. The family journeyed westward, guided by some inner destiny.
Verse Four: In 1802, Millard Fillmore being 2 years old, Nathaniel and Phebe settled in Cuyuga County, in western New York State.
Verse Five: Our Millard was a sickly lad. There were fears he was a dumb ox. But then, nourished by the fresh country air, Millard grew strong and increased in the ways of wisdom.
Verse Six: Millard was nourished by the farm chores and by the books he was always reading.
Verse Seven: When he turned 15, Millard was apprenticed to a cruel clothier. After four months, Millard escaped. "I am impatient of doing things by halves!" exclaimed Millard to his father. Nathaniel smiled upon his son.
Verse Eight: Millard taught school, but his mind yearned for something more. At age 19, fortune led our Millard to Judge Walter Wood. Millard was apprenticed to the study of the law.
Verse Nine: Long into the night Millard would read and gather wisdom. In 1823, Millard began to practice law, near Buffalo, New York. His homespun garb hid the mighty talents which lay within.
Verse One: The geneology of Millard, son of Nathaniel and Phebe.
Verse Two: Now John Fillmore, "saylor", had married Abagail, daughter of Abraham and Deliverance Tilton of Ipswich, Massachusetts, on June 19, 1701. And to them were born John, Ebenezer, and Abagail.
Verse Three: A mighty wind came, and John the Saylor was presumed lost at sea. But the ways of the Lord are mysterious. For the Frenchies had captured John during the Queen Anne's war.
Verse Four: And the Frenchies did confine John Fillmore cruelly at Martinique. Time passed. And then were the prisoners released. But it is suspicioned the Frenchies poisoned John Fillmore the Saylor on his way home.
Verse Five: Now John Fillmore, Jr., son of Saylor John, became seized with a passion to go to sea. And he did join a fishing voyage to Newfoundland. But Lo! John Phillips the Pirate did board the vessel and seize John Fillmore! And John Fillmore did sail sadly for months aboard the pirate ship.
Verse Six: The Pirate Phillips did urge John Fillmore to sign on to the pirate crew. But John Fillmore stoutly resisted the urgings. Then did Pirate Phillips begin to swear mighty oaths at John Fillmore.
Verse Seven: And behold: The Pirate Phillips did next fly into a rage! And with his sword he cut eleven holes through the hat of John Fillmore!
Verse Eight: But the Lord was with John Fillmore and he did bide his time. And the pirate crew one night grew drunken with rum so that they knew not day from night. And John Fillmore and two companions did set the feet of the pirates afire!
Verse Nine: And then did John Fillmore take an axe and slay the Pirate Phillips. And behold! The pirate ship was taken to Boston, and the Court of Admiralty did award to John Fillmore the gun, sword, silver shoe and knee-buckles, gold rings and a most curious tobacco box of the Pirate Phillips.
Verse Ten: And then did John Fillmore next wed Mary Spiller and move to Connecticut. And there did he abandon the sea and turn to farming.
Verse Eleven: To John Fillmore and Mary Spiller was born Nathaniel Fillmore. Nathaniel heard the voice of the Lord and moved to Vermont. There he fought as a lieutenant under General Stark at the battle of Bennington. And to Nathaniel Fillmore had been born a son, also named Nathaniel, in 1771.
Verse Twelve: Now Lieutenant Nathaniel, having fought in defense of his country, did live out his days enjoying the independence he had helped to achieve. And he was called home to the Lord in 1814.
Verse Thirteen: But Nathaniel, Jr., grew restless. And he and Phebe Millard, his wife, traveled west, to Cuyuga County, New York.
Verse Fourteen: And the snow was deep. And the wolves howled. And unto Nathaniel and Phebe was born a child, called Millard.
Verse One: Now Millard did marry Abigail Powers, daughter of Rev. Lemuel Powers, in 1826. And from this union was born Cyrus. And Millard grew mighty in the law.
Verse Two: But the land was sorely troubled. For Masonic villainy did appear.
Verse Three: William Morgan, a printer and resident of Batavia, New York, did plan to reveal secrets of the Freemasons. And the throat of Morgan was cut from ear to ear. And the tongue of Morgan was plucked out by the roots. And Morgan was buried in the rough sands of the sea, a cable's length from shore, where the tide ebbs and flows twice in twenty-four hours.
Verse Four: For Morgan had sworn a solemn oath not to reveal the secrets. And Morgan did betray that oath. And the Masons did cause Morgan to be detained, on September 11, 1826.
Verse Five: And Millard noticed those numbers of September 11, 1826, that they did signify 9/11. And Millard was sorely perplexed.
Verse Six: And the mighty law began to investigate. But the Masons would not cooperate, but they did laugh and jeer and ridicule the investigation.
Verse Seven: And the people cried, "Help us, O Millard!" And Millard was not deaf to their plea.
Verse Eight: And Millard did travel to Albany, where the Masons were thick as mosquitoes. And from the countenance of Millard the Masons did scatter, as smoke flees from the fire. And Millard saw that it was good.
Verse Nine: For such were the Masons scattered as the Pirate Phillips had been defeated by John Fillmore, in days of old.
Verse Ten: And the scribes of Albany did marvel at this Millard. And the scribes of Albany did write, "His intercourse with the bustling world is very limited. His books, and occasionally the rational conversation of intelligent friends, seem to constitute his happiness. He is never to be found in the giddy mazes of fashionable life. And yet there is in his manner an indescribable something which creates a strong impression in his favor."
Verse Eleven: And Abigail did write to Millard from Buffalo: "Your society is all I have thought of. O, that you could have been here to have studied with me, you have been scarcely out of my mind during the day, soon I hope to have another letter, again peruse the sentiments of my dearest Millard; am anxious to have the time come for my soul will then be in happiness."
Verse Twelve: And Millard's heart grew sad, for he did greatly love and miss Abigail.
Verse One: Now the Britishers were always hatching plots to take back the land, for they said it was their land, not ours.
Verse Two: And one day the British Colonel McNab did fire upon and board the American steamer Caroline. And McNab stole the flag of stars and bars, and did take it to the British queen. And she did knight McNab in 1838.
Verse Three: And the British queen did laugh and taunt and dance with the captured flag of the Caroline.
Verse Four: And Millard waxed wroth, for McNab had captured the flag near Niagara Falls.
Verse Five: So Millard began to cogitate and to pace. And behold! A great light shone upon our Millard, and he exclaimed, "I will build a boat made of iron!"
Verse Six: And the people did laugh and jeer and mock at Millard. For they said, "A boat made of iron will sink to the bottom of the lake."
Verse Seven: But Abigail said, "Be not afraid, O Millard: For I shall be with thee."
Verse Eight: And Millard did build the boat of iron. And he did name it the Michigan. (But others did call it the Wolverine.) And the people came to laugh, and to watch the boat sink into the lake.
Verse Nine: And Lo! The boat of iron did not sink! And the Britishers were confounded.
Verse Ten: Now one day our Millard did meet a man who spoke of a singing wire. And Millard had faith, and did believe. But the leaders of the Capitoline Temple laughed at Millard, and said, "Why not do mesmerism too?"
Verse Eleven: But Abigail said, "Be not afraid, O Millard: For I shall be with thee."
Verse Twelve: And the singing wire was built. And the Good News of Millard traveled throughout the land. And the leaders of the Temple were confounded.
Verse One: And it came to pass that the people chose Zachary Taylor to lead them. And Zachary was a general, and not a politician.
Verse Two: And behold, one day, while he walked to the 4th of July picnic, a soothsayer stepped forth from behind the columns of the Capitoline Temple. And the soothsayer did whisper, "Beware, O Zachary, of the cherries and milk." For it was a hot day.
Verse Three: But Zachary heeded not. And he ate the cherries and milk on a hot day. And Lo! Zachary did quickly sicken and die. For it is written: "Eatest not thou the cherries and milk on a hot day."
Verse Four: And thus it was that Millard Fillmore became leader of the land.
Verse Five: And the time of Millard and Abigail was a blessing upon the land: For the factories began to hum; and Commodore Perry set forth; and the North and the South shook hands like friends; and baseball began to be played.
Verse Six: And as the season waned into the Indian Summer, the Prophet Clay from his bed of death did urge, "Choose Millard." For it had come time to choose again.
Verse Seven: But alas! It was not to be! And Evil Pierce did stalk proudly forth. And bad omens were seen. And the clouds blocked the Sun. And the blizzard descended upon the inauguration. And Millard and Abigail did shiver with the cold while Evil Pierce spoke.
Verse Eight: And Abigail was called home to the Lord.
Verse Nine: And Millard wept and was disconsoled. And he returned to Buffalo. And Millard entered his library, and locked the door.
Verse One: Now Millard had locked himself in his library in sadness over the passing of Abigail. And he had growled, "I will just read books from now on and the world can go to blazes for all I care."
Verse Two: And so, Millard kept on reading many books. But it began to seem to him that, the more he read the less he knew.
Verse Three: And one day a great light shone upon our Millard. And he arose from his chair and exclaimed, "I know nothing!" (And this is the beginning of wisdom.)
Verse Four: And at that very moment, Millard seemed to hear a familiar voice. And the voice said, "Be not afraid, O Millard: For I shall be with thee."
Verse Five: And Millard unlocked his library door, and strode out into the land. And Millard did become the leader of the Know-Nothings.
Verse Six: For the carts of the Jesuits were thick upon the highways. And the Furriners swarmed like ants upon the sidewalk. But Millard saw how the Union might be preserved.
Verse Seven: And Mary Todd Lincoln did favor the candidacy of Millard Fillmore. But in those days the women could not vote.
Verse Eight: And the Know-Nothings did well, but not well enough. And the dotard Buchanan became the new leader.
Verse Nine: And Buchanan, the dotard, drained the treasury until it was empty. And he did send all the weapons down south. And the forts began to be seized from under him, but Buchanan acted not.
Verse Ten: And Millard was sorely troubled by what he saw. But already he had become a forgotten man.
Verse One: And it came to pass that Abraham was chosen as leader, after the dotard Buchanan had drained the treasury.
Verse Two: And Abraham did journey to the federal city. Yet he did divert himself on the way and came to Buffalo.
Verse Three: And in Buffalo, Millard did welcome Abraham, that the words of Scripture might be fulfilled: And Melchizedek, King of Salem, brought forth bread and wine unto Abraham.
Verse Four: And because Buchanan had emptied the treasury, Abraham did journey to the New City, to borrow money from bankers there.
Verse Five: But the bankers said unto Abraham, "We will lend at 30 percent." And Abraham did refuse the usurious loan.
Verse Six: And it was then that Colonel Dick Taylor spake unto Abraham. And from this, a new money was conceived. And the new money belonged to the people, not the bankers. And the bankers were cast out from the Temple. And because of this, the bankers in the New City did seethe and plot against Abraham.
Verse Seven: And in the New City, an insurrection against Abraham was fomented. And from the South, Lee marched north, headed to Philadelphia. And it was planned for Lee and these bankers' goons to link up between the New City and Philadelphia.
Verse Eight: But the plot was foiled by Meade, at Gettysburg.
Verse Nine: And it was then that the New City bankers devised a plot to crucify Abraham on Good Friday. And the evil deed was accomplished, and blamed upon a stooge.
Verse Ten: And not long thereafter, Millard was called home to the Lord.
Verse Eleven: And the New City bankers did destroy and burn the money begotten by Abraham. And the peoples' money was replaced by the New City bankers' money monopoly. And ever since those days, the people have been squeezed ever more tightly.
Verse Twelve: Yet it was foretold that, one day, some friends of Millard Fillmore would appear. And that these would begin to proclaim the Glad Tidings of Millard. And that then peace and prosperity would forever reign in the land.