9 Types of People You Find at Whole Foods
Thursday 07/15/2010 in Stupid Fun by Jesse Thompson
Whether you're trying to impress a lady or are just extremely intoxicated, at some point you've found yourself in a Whole Foods organic store. And odds are you encountered one or more of these types as you dodged 10-pound tubs of spinach leaves and Norwegian cheese wedges in order to get to the exit as fast as possible.
9. The Super-Vegan Hippie Chick
Don't be fooled by the cute smile and the flowery dress; if you even so much as mention going out for a hamburger, she will splatter you with a bucket of cow blood and call you a fascist. Your best bet for hooking up? Hang out near the asparagus and ask her if she's free later to firebomb a lab that tests on rabbits.
8. The Pissed-Off Dad Who Just Wanted One Thing
Picture this: the wife calls just as he's about to leave the office after a long day and pesters him about the kids having finished all the milk on seven bowls of Crunch Berries. There happens to be a Whole Foods close to the interstate, so he runs in quickly, despite never having ventured inside. "Food's food, right?" he thinks. But after perusing the $6 jugs of hormone-free milk and $5 jars of locally produced mustard, he opts to vindictively fart in an aisle and drive the extra two minutes to Wal-Mart.
7. The Scared-of-All-Processed-Foods Mom
This is the natural progression of the super-vegan hippie chick; the mom who's constantly wiping her kid's hands and face down with disinfectant wipes. And sweet Jesus, don't even think of getting close to her baby if you've eaten a PBJ in the last few days...think of the peanut allergies! Mom will blather on for hours about the chemicals or some shit in glass jars of baby food, and you'll pretend to be captivated while stealing glances at those swelling, lactating breasts.
6. The Guy Who's Just There to Check Out Hippie Chicks/Hot Moms
He's easy to spot; just look for the dude with the empty shopping basket who's obviously more interested in aphrodisiac oils than fish oil. Who needs to go to a bar or reduce themselves to online dating when there are plenty of hot chicks of the earthy variety at the organic food shop? Mr. Pickup will also be trying way too hard, as he'll likely be wearing a T-shirt with such panty-dropping phrases as "Just the flax, ma'am" or "BP kills baby pelicans."
5. The Elitist
Pity the poor soul who mentions Wal-Mart or Food Lion in his presence; he'll launch into a tirade about the evils of chain stores like he's reading from a term paper and trying desperately to get a professor to acknowledge his existence. The Elitist is also picky about the organic stores he shops in, frowning upon those who would stoop so low as to shop in a Fresh Market. He's easy to have fun with, though...just buy a fresh cut of salmon and toss it through his open car window while he's shopping.
4. The Guy Who Saw a Movie and/or Read a Book and Thinks He's a Health Expert
Along the same lines as the Elitist, this is the irritating know-it-all who will endlessly quote factoids from Fast Food Nation and Food, Inc. (AKA the book and movie that ruined things that taste good for everyone). Most of the time he gets those facts wrong, but that doesn't stop him from telling you why you're getting cancer or putting the independent American farmer out of business. Of course, he doesn't see the irony in wearing hip shirts made by 6-year-olds in Chinese sweatshops.
3. The Out-of-Place Fat Guy
To his credit, the baked goods are fantastic. Frosting from a can is for the plebeian lard-asses, after all.
2. The Allergic-to-Everything Chick
What's not to love about the slightly off-kilter woman who has to buy everything gluten-free and lactose-free and is likely a hypochondriac? How about the fact that she sneezes and snots all over the salad bar, for one? Or that she'll actually order a wheat grass shake without irony? The funny thing is, she's actually only allergic to the 12 cats living in her apartment.
1. The Stoned Stocker Dude
Five minutes ago he was making an apple bong out of an organic Granny Smith behind the dumpster, now he's restocking the delicata squash and describing in great detail the Widespread show from the weekend before. To no one in particular. Just offer a fist bump as you pass, and you'll be straight.