Iran's Nuclear Operation Revealed To Be Cover For Greatest Roller Coaster Ever
December 15, 2008 Issue 44•51
Ali Baba and the 40 Loops
TEHRAN, IRAN — Nearly 30 years of tense relations between the U.S. and Iran came to a dramatic end this March when Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad revealed that his country's suspected nuclear program was in fact a covert operation to build "Ali Baba and the 40 Loops"—the largest, most thrilling roller coaster in the Middle East.
In a globally televised address before the United Nations, Ahmadinejad unveiled the 500-foot-tall steel coaster, which he called a "very real threat" to anyone not interested in having a blast. The Iranian leader then challenged all thrill-seekers—young and old, Christian, Muslim, or Jew—to ride the mighty coaster, which can reportedly reach speeds of 165 mph by using a newly developed electromagnetic propulsion system previously seen only in blurry satellite images.
All U.N. inspectors were given complimentary season passes for being so patient.
"I regret having kept you in the dark for this long, but doesn't the surprise make it so much better?" a smiling Ahmadinejad said while gesturing to the massive coaster's interlocking quadruple vertical corkscrews. "And to think, you were all afraid we would use this technology for evil. Well, the only thing the world should fear now is Ali Baba's heart-stopping 400-foot drop!"
Members of a special U.N. envoy were immediately granted access to the new ride, and spent the next six hours conducting more than 30 separate critical examinations of the roller coaster. By late evening, however, inspectors said their findings were still inconclusive and determined that the fact-finding mission would require further test rides, corn dogs for everyone, and photographic documentation of their efforts.
Despite years of economic sanctions and the constant threat of military action, Iran reportedly continued working on the clandestine project by stockpiling metal tubes for the tracks, enriching uranium to provide glow-in-the dark lighting for the subterranean portion of the ride, and purchasing hundreds of gallons of neon green paint from Pakistan.
"We have moved wisely and decisively to establish Iran as a regional power in the amusement park field," said Ahmadinejad, adding defiantly that the nation would not succumb to Western standards for height requirements. "Wheeeee!"
In response to rumors that the new Iranian amusement park will include a ride dedicated to bridging the foreign relations gap with Israel, Ahmedinejad flatly denied the existence of the so-called "Holocoaster."
For more in-depth analysis of world affairs, read special commentary by Department Head Rawlings. This piece is part of The Onion's complete Our Annual Year: 2008 A.D. coverage.