Aqua Dude

http://www.vanityfair.com/online/daily/2010/10/aqua-dude.html

Straight Talk Espresso
Aqua Dude
Henry Rollins
October 18, 2010

The only thing Rand Paul has going for him is that, perhaps at one time, this incredibly silly man was inspired by the divine force known as Aqua Buddha. Whenever I think of those two words, I always picture Sean Penn’s character Spicoli from Fast Times At Ridgemont High saying them. When Rand Paul speaks, he sounds like a Rockville, Maryland, stoner. Rand Paul’s tragic “I’m late for a Flock Of Seagulls concert!” hair style will not allow me to take him seriously. The guy from Depeche Mode is holding on line one and wants his hair returned right now.

Free market, dude! There’s no such thing. There’s no free anything, not lunch, not an invasion of Iraq, not one damn item. If Rand Paul wins a Senate seat, which he very well may, Kentucky will find out very quickly how free the market isn’t. His desperate flailing against Jack Conway over the weekend when he claimed his opponent had insulted his religion was transparent pandering to the base. Rand Paul claims to be a “pro-life Christian.” If he had said he was a “pro-life Aqua Buddhist,” I would have sent him a copy of Robin Trower’s Bridge Of Sighs album as a campaign contribution. Duuuuuude!!!

In my mind I see a scene out of film that will never be made. Rand Paul stares at Jack Conway, loosens his tie, raises it to his forehead, and tightens it around his skull with the knot on the side, his New Wave curls bunching up ever so slightly. He says, “Jack Conway, you have offended my village, you have offended my people, you have offended … Aqua Buddha.” He then strikes the pose that Ralph Macchio did in the showdown scene in The Karate Kid. Jack Conway starts laughing to the point of tears and walks off the stage, leaving Rand Paul standing on one foot, arms suspended. Weeks later, everyone votes appropriately. Kentucky gets a new Senator and Las Vegas gets a new double act of Rand Paul and Christine O’Donnell that works a half-filled room five nights a week doing the old Louis Prima/Keely Smith book. I wonder how the free market would treat that one.